Saturday, March 14, 2009

In a FUNK......

So, here it is March and I realize I am a total slacker. I haven’t updated the blog in over 3 months and we have so much to share. We had a wonderful Christmas….visiting with lots of family and undoing thousands of wires that secure toys in the box like it was a 4 karat diamond and not just a Tonka truck. Cajes wrote his own letter to Santa Claus insisting HE write it himself and not me or his dad.

Then he added a P.S. letter, since 4 year olds write so large it takes up a whole page for a sentence, reminding Santa that he wanted the Kasey Kahne race car and gas can. It was pretty funny…and he was so excited Christmas morning when he realized Santa heard his wish and he did get it. All of this is preceded by a letter that he got from Santa Claus…(i.e. my mom)…after watching Polar Express. This is the first year Cajes truly understood what Christmas was about. Not just the presents but Jesus’ birthday. Now, he started his tradition of cake-making for Jesus last year but I don’t believe he had the full concept down until this year. Anyway…we had at least 4 manger scenes in the house including one just for Cajes’ room because if you know us you know Cajes is obsessed with all things Jesus. Anyway, we made Jesus a cake and Santa some cookies. And on Christmas morning Santa did remember the Kasey Kahne car and gas can….and we ate Jesus’ cake for breakfast remembering all of the blessings we shared this year.

In addition to our regular Christmas soirees, we also hosted our

1st Annual Ugly Christmas Party which was HILARIOUS!!! We had so much fun laughing at each other and playing Guitar Hero, drinking martinis and “fellowshipping” that the night seemed to be over before it began almost.

2008 left and 2009 started a little rocky for us and many people we know….

Throughout December, January and February, we (meaning 95% Cajes) have been riddled with illnesses. When I speak in plural I mean back-to-back viruses, Strep Throat, Ear Infections, Sinus Infections, Walking Pneumonia and now allergies. We went through the arduous back skin prick test and found out Cajes was allergic to dust mites, dog, cats and grass….4 things we can’t and won’t eliminate from our lives unless it becomes seriously hazardous. <<>> So what can we really do??? Dempsey is 13 and Lucy is 16—we can’t abandon them. Luckily the animals don’t go in his room and we have a house that is not completely dust-mite friendly having hardwood floors and new carpet. Now we just have to be vigilant about washing Cajes’ sheets and blankets and stuffed toys he sleeps with in hot water at least once a week—which may be task. Oh, and the Doctor suggested allergy shots for 3 years—every week!!! That’s 156 shots….rather ridiculous for it to only reduce his chance of getting asthma by 60%. There has to be another answer….but what??? I’m already a germaphobe and go out of my way to keep things as sterile as possible. What do I do now? Anyone who can build me a bubble will be handsomely rewarded.

Cajes is having surgery on March 31 to have tubes put in his ears, as well as his tonsils and adenoids removed. Let’s pray this will be an answer and an end to his repeated illnesses this year.

The feeling of complete overwhelmedness takes over my mind some days and I have to be reigned back in like a wild stallion when I start obsessing over things out of my control. I quickly spiral form worry to full-blown obsession within minutes. This year I am especially fearful of germs, viruses and vomit and in an unhealthy way….I usually have to spell out the word vomit when talking about it because even the word sounds gross….v-o-m-i-t… just sounds so nasty. If I didn’t have to have Cajes in preschool I’d keep him home and only expose him to people who I knew didn’t have germs. And I know this would only hurt him in the end because the germ exposure builds his immune system. I know all of that!!! But I’m sick and tired of every one being sick and tired. And then when he is sick and I complain about it I feel guilty because there are so many children out there with terminal and serious illnesses, but I hurt to see my baby hurt on any level. And I feel like everyone has been affected by illness directly or indirectly all fall and winter.

Anyway….our business is undergoing some major changes at all levels— administrative to direct care….all paperwork having to be re-created and changed. Policies and Procedures re-written. Some weeks I don’t and can’t physically get all of my work completed and feel so full of guilt over this too because my job is much like another child that needs nurtured and coddled with care. Then when I don’t meet my deadlines I come home and bring the anxiety into my house where Cajes and Ben are left to contend with my complete abandonment of rationale. And I forget that I need to BE HERE NOW….and I am reminded that I am in a funk….but can’t figure out how to get out of the hole…it seems to be consuming me most days.

Then Cajes will come to me and say something totally hilarious and I am brought back to reality. A few weeks ago he came to me while I was cooking dinner and he was playing outside and asked for two Oreo’s. He said “just two mom—just two.” And I made him shake hands making a deal he would eat all of his dinner. He left and within a few minutes returned with chocolate bulging out the sides of his mouth. He was trying to ask for just one more cookie but his mouth was so full I couldn’t understand him. After clearing his mouth he said “Mom, can I have one more Oreo please (?), because one of mine just blew away.” I of course replied with “WHAT? I just gave you two….where did they go?” He said “I ate one but the other one blew away in the wind—just disappeared into the sky!”

2 days later he enters the den with a rubber glove on his hand and asked Ben to open his mouth so he could look inside. (I guess with all the strep he’s gotten used to this). Ben said “No—you’re not putting that glove in my mouth”—not knowing where it had been in his closet and then Cajes INSISTED that his daddy play along. So Ben opens his mouth and Cajes looks in and acts like he’s really interested in what’s going on in there. Finally he takes his hand out and proclaims “Yep, Daddy—just what I thought…you’ve got a little bit of diarrhea.”

And in those moments I remember how silly four-year olds can be and that I should relish these moments and cherish them instead of worrying over the endless list of crap that I obsess over. These are the years I will long for one day and in my rational mind I know that. I just need to stay in that rational mindset.


Monica Ingle said...

Sonia,thanks for sharing your feelings and pics!I love you!

Jessie Francis said...

i love the funny things cajes says. he's a hoot.

things will work out at work. you know they always do. tell yourself that when you get home on the days you work. you've got to have balance in your life and leave some things at the door or they'll eat away at you and you'll burn out! love you