Sunday, March 15, 2009

50 Random Things About Me....

1. I have a history of seeing hawks when significant things in my life are about to happen (or have happened).
2. I miss milk.
3. I am so blessed to have Ben for many reasons-- but most notably he won’t let me do the dishes. He’s obsessive about’s his own little thing.
4. I think Hydrangeas are gorgeous and wish I had carried them in our wedding.
5. My weakness is that I need validation from people.
6. I am a fanatic about NOT eating food that is past its expiration date.
7. I am a people watcher and can get obsessed when I’m out in public wondering about other people’s lives
8. I think I sometimes have unrealistic expectations of life.
9. I absolutely LOVE the hilarious stories that Cajes has started making up since he turned four. It’s hard not to laugh at his little white lies even…...And at the end of the day when I put Cajes to bed—I really enjoy hearing his favorite part of the day and his worst part of the day, which sometimes are the same thing (?).
10. I am petrified by vomit and/or ants…so much so that I have to take anxiety medicine!
11. I never expected to feel torn between my work at Open Hearts and my job as a mom and it makes me feel terrible when the guilt sets in.
12. I have a specific way I fold towels and all my washcloths have to be in the same direction---thanks mom! :)
13. I like to have back-up plans but want more spontaneity in my life—go figure.
14. I once had a job title of "Integrated Sales and Logistic Retail Specialist"---basically I stocked Lifesavers and Bubble Yum in grocery/convenience stores for Nabisco...I even had business cards with that title.
15. I love so many reality shows that I can’t even admit how many….but it’s a lot---too many.
16. I look really organized on the outside but if you look in my spice cabinet or kitchen utensil drawer you’d think differently.
17. I'm an Idealist married to a Realist.
18. Anxiety and fear can paralyze me in an instant….and then nausea sets in.
19. There are only a few people who have seen the real, raw, true Sonia….it’s a vulnerable feeling.
20. I totally LOVE taking pictures and archiving my family. Sometimes I think if I take a picture of something it will make it last…like Cajes’s little baby feet.
21. I feel uncomfortable in large groups of people I don't know.
22. I have never smoked a cigarette in my life.
23. I think kidney stones are more painful than childbirth and they can last for months.
24. I am dying to visit Africa.
25. I have friends who I love like family and consider them like sisters and brothers.
26. I have been to a lot of concerts (though not as many now that Cajes has been around), yet it has been enough to stun him when he is a teenager/adult and he can appreciate this part of my life.
27. I thought it would be difficult to have children but got pregnant on birth control, and now that we are trying to get pregnant we haven't had good luck.
28. I believe in destiny but think we play a part in controlling it.
29. I've only met my biological father once in my life and he was full of himself. I don't miss him because I can't miss something I've never had. However I regret his choice to not have a relationship with me. It was his loss.
30. I love the house we live in and wished deeply that we owned it. I need this much space.
31. I know what it's like to have your heart broken over and over. It makes you a different person.
32. My husband would have never dated if we had met in high school. We were totally different people.
33. My mom is the most resilient person I know and I honor her for that.
34. I have a bad habit of cussing--- and I have had to learn to watch my mouth now that I have a child....but there's something that makes me feel better when I am mad and can cuss. My papaw cussed....maybe it's hereditary.
35. I regret never learning to play the guitar from my PawPaw Cages.
36. When I get really frustrated I cry.
37. One of my top 3 regrets is never seeing The Grateful Dead live.
38. I've moved 16 times in my life and have never liked it.
39. I think the world would be a better place if we could alway out ourselves in other people's shoes and all be kinder than necessary.
40. I think Health Insurance is a money racket but I would never be caught without it!
41. I am pretty sure I could eat sushi or Thai food every day for the rest of my life.
42. If I had the money I'd have a house at the beach and in the mountains....and that's my plan for my future....people are skeptical this will happen but people were also skeptical I'd find a job combining Art and Mental Healthcare.
43. I like to sleep late.
44. I love the smell of gas and rubber cement.
45. I'm addicted to Facebook.
46. I truly believe "it's the little things in life".
47. When I was little we had the same thing for dinner on the same nights of the week, every week.
48. I don't like to dress up.
49. I have an affinity for old chairs and yellow tom cats.
50. I think at some point in my life I will get the opportunity to hug a bear.

Saturday, March 14, 2009

In a FUNK......

So, here it is March and I realize I am a total slacker. I haven’t updated the blog in over 3 months and we have so much to share. We had a wonderful Christmas….visiting with lots of family and undoing thousands of wires that secure toys in the box like it was a 4 karat diamond and not just a Tonka truck. Cajes wrote his own letter to Santa Claus insisting HE write it himself and not me or his dad.

Then he added a P.S. letter, since 4 year olds write so large it takes up a whole page for a sentence, reminding Santa that he wanted the Kasey Kahne race car and gas can. It was pretty funny…and he was so excited Christmas morning when he realized Santa heard his wish and he did get it. All of this is preceded by a letter that he got from Santa Claus…(i.e. my mom)…after watching Polar Express. This is the first year Cajes truly understood what Christmas was about. Not just the presents but Jesus’ birthday. Now, he started his tradition of cake-making for Jesus last year but I don’t believe he had the full concept down until this year. Anyway…we had at least 4 manger scenes in the house including one just for Cajes’ room because if you know us you know Cajes is obsessed with all things Jesus. Anyway, we made Jesus a cake and Santa some cookies. And on Christmas morning Santa did remember the Kasey Kahne car and gas can….and we ate Jesus’ cake for breakfast remembering all of the blessings we shared this year.

In addition to our regular Christmas soirees, we also hosted our

1st Annual Ugly Christmas Party which was HILARIOUS!!! We had so much fun laughing at each other and playing Guitar Hero, drinking martinis and “fellowshipping” that the night seemed to be over before it began almost.

2008 left and 2009 started a little rocky for us and many people we know….

Throughout December, January and February, we (meaning 95% Cajes) have been riddled with illnesses. When I speak in plural I mean back-to-back viruses, Strep Throat, Ear Infections, Sinus Infections, Walking Pneumonia and now allergies. We went through the arduous back skin prick test and found out Cajes was allergic to dust mites, dog, cats and grass….4 things we can’t and won’t eliminate from our lives unless it becomes seriously hazardous. <<>> So what can we really do??? Dempsey is 13 and Lucy is 16—we can’t abandon them. Luckily the animals don’t go in his room and we have a house that is not completely dust-mite friendly having hardwood floors and new carpet. Now we just have to be vigilant about washing Cajes’ sheets and blankets and stuffed toys he sleeps with in hot water at least once a week—which may be task. Oh, and the Doctor suggested allergy shots for 3 years—every week!!! That’s 156 shots….rather ridiculous for it to only reduce his chance of getting asthma by 60%. There has to be another answer….but what??? I’m already a germaphobe and go out of my way to keep things as sterile as possible. What do I do now? Anyone who can build me a bubble will be handsomely rewarded.

Cajes is having surgery on March 31 to have tubes put in his ears, as well as his tonsils and adenoids removed. Let’s pray this will be an answer and an end to his repeated illnesses this year.

The feeling of complete overwhelmedness takes over my mind some days and I have to be reigned back in like a wild stallion when I start obsessing over things out of my control. I quickly spiral form worry to full-blown obsession within minutes. This year I am especially fearful of germs, viruses and vomit and in an unhealthy way….I usually have to spell out the word vomit when talking about it because even the word sounds gross….v-o-m-i-t… just sounds so nasty. If I didn’t have to have Cajes in preschool I’d keep him home and only expose him to people who I knew didn’t have germs. And I know this would only hurt him in the end because the germ exposure builds his immune system. I know all of that!!! But I’m sick and tired of every one being sick and tired. And then when he is sick and I complain about it I feel guilty because there are so many children out there with terminal and serious illnesses, but I hurt to see my baby hurt on any level. And I feel like everyone has been affected by illness directly or indirectly all fall and winter.

Anyway….our business is undergoing some major changes at all levels— administrative to direct care….all paperwork having to be re-created and changed. Policies and Procedures re-written. Some weeks I don’t and can’t physically get all of my work completed and feel so full of guilt over this too because my job is much like another child that needs nurtured and coddled with care. Then when I don’t meet my deadlines I come home and bring the anxiety into my house where Cajes and Ben are left to contend with my complete abandonment of rationale. And I forget that I need to BE HERE NOW….and I am reminded that I am in a funk….but can’t figure out how to get out of the hole…it seems to be consuming me most days.

Then Cajes will come to me and say something totally hilarious and I am brought back to reality. A few weeks ago he came to me while I was cooking dinner and he was playing outside and asked for two Oreo’s. He said “just two mom—just two.” And I made him shake hands making a deal he would eat all of his dinner. He left and within a few minutes returned with chocolate bulging out the sides of his mouth. He was trying to ask for just one more cookie but his mouth was so full I couldn’t understand him. After clearing his mouth he said “Mom, can I have one more Oreo please (?), because one of mine just blew away.” I of course replied with “WHAT? I just gave you two….where did they go?” He said “I ate one but the other one blew away in the wind—just disappeared into the sky!”

2 days later he enters the den with a rubber glove on his hand and asked Ben to open his mouth so he could look inside. (I guess with all the strep he’s gotten used to this). Ben said “No—you’re not putting that glove in my mouth”—not knowing where it had been in his closet and then Cajes INSISTED that his daddy play along. So Ben opens his mouth and Cajes looks in and acts like he’s really interested in what’s going on in there. Finally he takes his hand out and proclaims “Yep, Daddy—just what I thought…you’ve got a little bit of diarrhea.”

And in those moments I remember how silly four-year olds can be and that I should relish these moments and cherish them instead of worrying over the endless list of crap that I obsess over. These are the years I will long for one day and in my rational mind I know that. I just need to stay in that rational mindset.